Monday, March 14, 2016
@ 5:38 PM | 0 Shhhh . .
放弃的资格呢 ~
活死人的生活, 我好累。和妈争吵也过了好几天。我真的什么都不想理了。觉得生活依然没意义仿佛像是有所手铐把我拷着而我却把索斯丢了。人人都说你做女儿的那能说比例呢? 有人懂我有多心寒吗? 当你一心一意想保护一个人时而那个人却说你别管我, 我们有年龄的距离。好像我全家都一样, 只要一遇到困难才会想起我。对于我和祥权, 我真的对这段感情好由于。虽然他很疼很疼我但我总是觉得这感情少了些什么。或许是他对于未来想要安排好的稳定而我还是喜欢两个人有所冒险, 轰轰烈烈的度过所有难题。祥霖和我呢? 还是一样吧。他总是靠近我时, 我都会想把他推到千里之外。我依然认为会飞翔的他, 是最完美的。现在的我渴求安定但如果我现在放弃一切, 我能跑到哪里呢? 家还是随时会再次被赶出来的, 可是留下就代表我一被困了。每天都要看着脸色过, 时间到了就被多一府手铐拷着。除了拼命的骗自己一切都好, 我能躲在哪呢? 这瞬间, 我想把生命做个结束, 活着真没意义。是时候永远不在着发泄了, 我该尊被做我想做的事而不该让任何人从着知道我的将来事了。。。
PS: 如果你有经过着, 你就有到明天的早上八点以前。我这次没跟你开玩笑, 如你说一声, 我明天的工作时间将给你。如果你没, 那我们就停留在想念中吧。
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
@ 6:25 PM | 0 Shhhh . .
Happy birthday to me~
祝我生日快乐，今年的惊喜比往年多可惜就是少了个蛋糕。大了多一岁感觉心也越便怒了。或许让我最开心的还是他吧。赶来陪我吃午餐是我预料之外的事但我很确定他比从前温柔。每次见到他, 我的心就像是涨停了几秒。好想把时间停留着, 享受着我当初爱上他的从动。我很清楚无论我多想要他回到我身边, 我无法自私的陪他玩着。没承诺的爱情, 我真没本事在要了。虽然我贪玩但我跟可望安定的世界。在这个23岁的生日里, 我对自己承诺, 拥有我的人只能是能与我度过人生所有科研的人。
Monday, February 29, 2016
@ 2:07 AM | 0 Shhhh . .
Messed up life ~
Days after days, years after years, I sunk myself into deep mess which was never mend to be mine. Its a constant nightmare that replay automatically, so how it felt like it just my life. Marriage, divorce, kids, family and home, all these are my hell, I guess.
Utterly disappointed with mum lately by her actions and the consequences she has brought. Can't believe she is devoting herself into such mess and putting everyone else on the line. Truly after knowing and facing all this, I swear I have never met such horrible people. About a 100K of debts has been hovering in my mind, as usual I crack my head up and have the temptation to suck it all up by myself. Many say its a lifetime repayment and I'm nuts but guess they're right. How could I be normal having to face all this over and over again. My emotions simply went wild with the symphony of chaos. I went around trying to rise the funds however was unsuccessful but lesson learn from this is that depending on myself is definitely the best principle I would ever follow. Friends, partners, acquaintance, family and etc, pretty bullshit when I'm in help. This is the time where all sorts of reason and theory will be revealed. Life is hash in this sense, like what has been said always, human are the worst creature on earth. Tho I'm human too but the sentence does make sense typically in a country like Singapore where most people only see the value in a bargain. The value just range from tangible such as interest repay to intangible such as selling yourself. Screw up world, no wonder god floods the earth once. Maybe the demolishing of earth is coming real soon too, nuclear is what's the rumour has been about.
I gave myself a night off from everyone, of cause it includes Timo. Pretty much flare at him a couple of time for telling me things that displeased my ears. I went so shopping, manicure session and got home clear some letters. I laid down on my sofa, gazing at the ceiling while thoughts flow through my mind. That's the best spot on earth to clam myself and recharge for tomorrow. It was then that I realized, I shouldn't involve myself in this mess as no one will be able to save the shit out of this. It all seem like a better choice for me to work harder to provide for my sister then to drown in this debts. As it come to this saying, this is also another phrase for me to pull it all together myself. When I say myself, its gonna be literally myself I guess. Ultimately, I detest depending on anyone as there's always a price to pay. Only by myself, I could roam and be in control of my world. As for Kitee, Timo and Lucas, I really appreciate the support and somehow having my back always. Even when the world knows that I'm crazy, you guys are like the 3 pillars of strength. If only I can bring all of you together regardless of the relationship we all had...
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
@ 5:54 PM | 0 Shhhh . .
I'm a crazy bitch ~
Horrible week before CNY start as usually the family just can't start it without dramas. Unlucky is again as usual the target regardless I have or not done a thing. They just got a sick ass mind that i can't help to move as far away from them as possible. Sigh...
Moving home was a big big challenge, mainly coming from timo which technically he is not accepting that I wanna move back. Still i guess it would much of a solution given that his mum monitors and gumble about me more than my family would. Giving the doubt that she is concern but those words that she said sounds kinda personal attack. Don't understand what she is actually thinking but my guess was that she is so dam afraid that i would take away her precious son which frankly I'm not so eager to do that and i won't. You people are a family, logically how the hell am i gonna kidnap your son away. Haha!
I said something very stupid lately which I feel like slapping myself for it. Can't imagine i would say that i wanted a lifetime commitment from someone whom I'm pretty sure won't commit to anyone. I must be out of my mind to think that things might turn out as how i felt tho even after so long, I'm still pretty sure that he is one. Don't have a logical sense to it but lets say life don't always have a perfect answer.
Commitment seems to sound like a big word to many people but my definition of commitment is pretty just going through hardship together till death tears each other apart. I don't want a perfect and boring guy whom provide me everything. I want a someone who will still love me and will return home when tomorrow comes! Regardless if today happen that either one of us meet someone else or attempted to cheat, of cause my bottom line is that no sickness would be brought upon me. Because till this day i have not witness a total relationship or marriage.
Psychologically we are human, we will always be curious about everything and wanna try out something else, totally undeniable. But as long a someone whom still return to love and take care of me and the family if we happen to have one, everything else just doesn't matter. As i would know that i have something that no one else could take away which is the commitment from my partner that they won't.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
@ 2:54 AM | 0 Shhhh . .
The verge of breaking ~
Been tiring after a messy trip to Taiwan with timo's family. Couldn't really relax and enjoy myself as I gotta be on my toes at all time. Waking up earlier than usual during holiday was extremely horrible however on the bright side I finally visited Taiwan. Brought back a lot of goodies and toy collection. Will definitely wanna go back again.
Back to work wasn't pleasant especially knowing that kitee's bf will be back in the company. As expected shit was stirred up however what bother me was the disappointment that somehow kitee is not really trusting me. Can't denied that the world is right that one should never work with or for their close friends. Kinda experience it myself and the feeling is fucked up. Can't wait to get out right now as I'm being monitored and guarded of every movement like I care about whatever happens to the company. Piss by the thought that I entered to help out yet now I'm kinda appointed as someone whom harm the company interest and passing information out. Still, I'm not gonna give a shit as my conscious are crystal clear. Furthermore, there amazing offers out there waiting for me to grow and get the bucks to clear of my debts. After this incident, guess, my sacrifice doesn't pay off to get this treatment. I won't confront, I won't question. I just hope that when I inform to go, I won't be held back as there's no more reason for me to stay. Staying any longer seem to means that this friendship shall be over.
Struggling with this horrible year start but one can never be unlucky forever. Krama goe's in a circle, one of my believe till now. The better I leave, the better I prove to myself to those who left or disapprove me. Sticking to my year start moto, I will only do what that makes me happy.
Monday, January 4, 2016
@ 3:43 AM | 0 Shhhh . .
Another year another day ~
It's 2016, kinda nothing special as the year didn't seem to start off that well. Lots of uncertainty which I'm just watching how things would be like. Growing my heart stronger day by day, somehow to correct things right. I became more of a watching and listening then doing and fixing. Guess this was my best gain in 2015 which is to understand that not everything are meant to be mended. It's kinda good to let things be as it is, risky but maybe it's worthy.
Pretty bad at handling all sort of relationship regardless of who was it that im referring to. I suck at it at this very point which made me switch to a poker mode. Putting all this aside, I'm simply putting my focus to help at kitee's place at much as possible. Hopefully by March everything will settle down and I'll be able to go and walk my own road again. I need to go far for whatever reasons there is and staying put to help ain't growing much. Only collection was that I experience many different type of stupid and self-centered people and handling them is my new challenge. Haha!
Wishing myself the best of luck for changes this year!
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
@ 4:48 PM | 0 Shhhh . .
无所谓~
圣诞节快来临了但我却没喜悦的感觉。心情变得越来越复杂, 不知该往那走。脑里想着如何有个完美结局但却不知完美结局是什么。心里想着一个累字, 爱让人累无论是爱人或被爱。亲爱的说把一切都放掉吧, 森林好大一片, 哪怕是自己一个人也不必委屈。
当女人真烦, 卸下武装的我不是十全十美的但有都少人不会要我该呢? 谁又会记得当初爱我说的是什么, 或许他们都没想象中那么爱我。我从满了内疚, 悲伤, 可望和无力的感觉。最错的决定就是为了逃避而失去自己。清醒后的我发现周围的人事物都真实的, 都是在逃亡中的演出。前进与离别, 我都恐惧。
乱乱的我不停的偷偷哭, 期待着有谁来帮我解答。最近我做了很多也说了跟多, 内心有种强烈的炸弹快爆发。我不停的把一切往肚子里吞, 想我今年最想要的圣诞礼物就是一个人旅游发泄。圣诞老公公会帮我实现吗?
